Stuff that makes me laugh
Yeah, maybe. On the other hand, there are thousands of buffalo to be had, but there’s only one fine piece of lioness poontang in the immediate vicinity. And as this is a kitchen metaphor: let’s face it, when she’s wearing that lil’ apron, standing there all hot and bothered, maybe a little messy with flour all over her, ponytail working itself loose, maybe a stray strand of hair falling down her cheek…
…I can kinda see our guy’s motivation.
“Dear Dr. Kim,
“I recently started dating a nice girl, and things were going well for a while. Then she invited me over to her place for the first time (for Saturday brunch), and I noticed that she had four cats. I’m not allergic to cats, and in fact I quite like them. But isn’t four cats a little excessive?”
—Worried, Scranton
Dear Worried,
Run, do not walk, to the Relationship Exit. Any single woman who owns more than one cat has issues so profound and so dangerous (for a relationship) that I dare not speak of them in polite company. But don’t take my word for it: ask any of your male friends for a second opinion. If anything, their advice will be stronger than mine.
—Dr. Kim
Also from my Disqus history (and yes, this actually happened to me):
“I’d never heard of the term “nooner” until I came to the U.S. back in the mid-1980s. I thought it meant a lunchtime cocktail. So when I suggested to a couple of the ladies at the office that we nip out for a quick nooner… HR was not impressed.”
Many years ago, this little piece made the rounds on the Internet, and as often happens, I got it again in my Inbox a couple weeks or so ago.
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup or ketchup, but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Well, the hell with that, I thought, and penned a “reply” (below the fold):
And yes, by popular demand, we bring to you a feature from Kimblogs passim, Dr. Kim.
Obligatory warning for stupid people: Dr. Kim isn’t a doctor, doesn’t play one on TV (but has been known to do so with unsuspecting women on an ad-hoc basis). His advice should be taken with a metric tonne of salt and two metric tonnes of humor, and should be followed with extreme care. Dr. Kim takes no responsibility for outcomes of separation, violence, divorce or strange diseases stemming from the adoption of his advice.
“Dear Dr. Kim: Ever since the election of 2016 and Donald Trump’s victory, a strange thing has happened to me. Some of the people in my social circle seem to have gone quite nuts about Trump, and about his administration. In the past, we were a mix of liberals and conservatives, but we all got along quite well. Now, however, things have changed, and a few of them have made it clear that any kind of support for President Trump is a barrier to friendship. Is friendship worth losing over silly politics?” — A Friend In Need Of Advice
Dear Friend: The problem is that it’s no longer “silly politics”. What we have in the U.S. today is an irreconcilable difference as to how our country should exist — a republic as envisaged by the Founding Fathers where freedom of the individual is paramount, or a modern-day Western state where the government decides how people should best live their lives. Ultimately, you have to decide whether friendship is worth this conflict, but I think the answer is simple.
History — that would be the actual history of the world, not that bullshit peddled by Howard Zinn and Simon Schama — has proved that our Constitution has created a vastly better system of government than has, say, Marx’s Communist Manifesto. For recent proof of how socialism / communism / progressivism sucks, one has only to look at the difference between the car industries of West Germany (Mercedes, BMW, Porsche) and the former East Germany (Trabant). Same people, same engineering acumen, but different political philosophies and a totally different outcome. Your liberal friends would prefer to live in a state like, say, modern-day France — where daycare is free but where until very recently the government regulated the names which one could give one’s children — rather than under the Donald Trump administration, which is doing its best to reduce the number of annoying government regulations. So here’s my advice.
Refuse to be friends with stupid people who think that socialism is cool, guns are evil, high taxes are fine, big government is okay, political correctness should run our colleges, and that “diversity” is a viable social option. Why should you indulge their childish, moronic fantasies when the only outcome is death and ruin?
You will be the better for it, and so will the United States.
— Dr. Kim