Tag: Humor
Stuff that makes me laugh
Speed Bump #7,694
Here we go again:
I don’t care about the story’s content or subject — on my interest scale, the hobbies of little fegelehs who jump into water rank somewhere below the sex lives of tarantulas — but FFS.
The knitting term is “PURL” and not “pearl”, you illiterate fucking scum of the earth.
There will come a time when I go over to Britishland and pay a visit to the offices of the Daily Mail, carrying my trusty cricket bat. It will not be a pleasant site*.
*I know. I just thought I’d pass it on. Or you can take it as a pun. Whatever.
News Roundup
Yeah well, screw the Gummint. Stale bread is horrible. As is the news this week.
...I’m so old, I remember the regulation mandating that any federal employee found delinquent in their taxes be summarily fired.
In Election News:
...guilt about what? Civilization? Ending slavery? [3,000 other random benefits to mankind omitted for space reasons… and while we’re there, space travel as well]
...hope he got that in cash. Just sayin’.
Keeping the assholes at bay:
...don’t fuck mess with Texas.
In Global Jew Hate News:
...and when they get all revolutionary and jihad-y, it will make it easier to nuke them right there.
And:
...I’d have put them side by side, but no doubt the Izzies would have been equally offended.
In The Great Cultural Assimilation Project©:
…
Let’s hear it for Global Warming Climate Cooling Change©:
...and nobody (except anyone with common sense) saw it coming.
And contemplating the naval:
...actually, they’re just hiding them from Ukrainian drones.
...and about time.
Let’s see what inane shit comes out of 
...and just so we all know, “soft swinging” is defined as having sex with your regular partner in the same room with others also having sex with their partners, but without swapsies. No big deal; our close circle of friends did it all the way through college, back in the ’70s. It was kinda fun.
And in Romance News:
...and for those of you who had forgotten about Lucy (and shame in you if you did), here’s a little memory-jogger or two:
And I believe that’s about all the silly news we can handle for now.
Caption Competition #353
We now move, temporarily. away from nudity-based caption-worthy pics and back to the normal insanity.
Your suggestions in Comments.
Three U.S. Speed Bumps
As any fule kno, I yield to no man for the love of my adopted country. I am an American by choice, and doubleplusproud I am to be that.
However: there are three things peculiar to the U.S. that got up my nose soon after I arrived here, and they have continued to bug the hell out of me ever since.
1) Date format: I know that we can do pretty much anything we want because Murka, but FFS why do we insist on mm/dd/yy (or /yyyy ever since Y2K) when the rest of the world uses dd/mm/yyyy? It makes no sense, forces one to insert an unnecessary comma when writing out the date — e.g. November 19 COMMA 2024, to prevent numbers running into each other — when going with the universal format would just make things easier. For everybody.
2) Gallons: I have no problem with using Imperial weights and measures, because they make things easier for everyday life over the artificial metric system. But why the hell do we have a liquid gallon that is smaller than the Imperial gallon? I was looking at a lovely old car’s specs the other day, and saw that it had a “tiny” 15-gallon fuel tank — and then realized that it was a Jaguar, and they were quoting Imperial gallons (in this case 18 U.S. gallons). I mean, we don’t have a mile that’s shorter than an Imperial mile — we could just go metric for that, don’t get me started — so why a use a smaller gallon measure?
3) Floor numbers: When you step into an elevator / lift in any developed country outside the U.S., you see the selector thus:
…but in the U.S., it’s: 
Why no ground floor? Once again, it’s something we do that nobody else does, and it often leads to confusion when talking to a non-Murkin. FFS, every building has a floor that’s at ground-level, so why not use the “G” and say “ground floor”?
No doubt there are all sorts of sound reasons why we Murkins have gone our own way — and don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with that mindset, e.g.:
…but I do need to wave my hands when such non-conformity makes absolutely no sense at all.
In all three of the above cases.
“Dear Dr. Kim:
“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I am uncomfortable about my girlfriend’s recent suggestions to spice up our sex life. Something has made her racier all of a sudden. She keeps asking to try S&M.
“She has always been adventurous when it comes to intimacy. She loves role play and dressing up. She says ordinary sex is too vanilla and boring. Recently her tastes have become more extreme. She says she can’t get sexually excited if there isn’t an element of risk.
“Previously, I was happy to indulge her. I’ve never said no to sex in public places and I find blindfolding her a turn on. But now I’m concerned because she’s even started to mention choking.
“This for me is another thing entirely. It scares me. I don’t want to give it or receive it. Why would I want to hurt the woman I love? And I know it could go wrong. I am not prepared to take a risk. I would be devastated if she came to harm.
“I really don’t want to do any of this, but I don’t know how to refuse without making her think I am a bit of a bore in bed.
“I am 31 and she is 42. She’s a fair bit older than me and much more experienced too. We have been together for a year and I’ve really fallen for her. She’s gorgeous, clever and keeps me on my toes. But I am scared that if I refuse her new tastes she may get bored of me. Or that she will go out looking for someone who will be more edgy – someone who doesn’t care about her like I do – and potentially put herself in danger.
“Should I say yes and hope that if we try it once she won’t want to do it again?
Dear Appy,
You have only one choice.
Ditch the bitch.
I’m afraid that this “gorgeous and clever” woman has some serious psychological issues — issues so profound that you need to put distance — lots of distance — between her insane ass and your dick.
And by the way? This escalation of her kink is going to get worse, if you can imagine that. (If you can’t, then that’s all the more reason to GTFO.)
I guarantee you that if you don’t leave, this infatuation that you feel for her will disappear very shortly and you’ll be left with… probably a dead body and whole lot of ‘splaining to the rozzers.
Get out now while you can.
